My friend lost her husband around eight weeks before I lost mine. Both to Covid19 in 2021. She decided to write a book, which she did, and she published it with huge success. Peace in Grief it is called. She asked me at the time to write a chapter for her book on dealing with my loss and how my faith carried me through it all. At the time I didn`t find time to write it and I now terribly regret not writing it.
For many months I played with the idea of capturing some of the incidents and all of the miracles that happened to me since I so unexpectedly became a widow at 42 but a book seemed a bit copy-catty. Initially I though of writing "The widow`s guide to death" which I thought would be a best seller because nothing prepares you for that moment a meteor strikes your life and your whole existence is in turmoil and your planet is knocked out of its orbit. Also, there are so many other widows that had so much more taken from them than me. I procrastinated on the subject for some time. I am very good at procrastinating...
My therapist asked me what would be the one thing that would fill my bucket again, should I consciously make time to find something that will make me feel like me again. More procrastination followed...very unlike my personality type but I am a master at it.
It so happened that a thought was placed in my haphazard thinking pattern. Most of the time I am subjecting myself to the same thought pattern over and over and over again like a hamster on a running wheel and other times I just think of random stuff all together like a meteor shower in August. When this particular though hit a nerve I knew it was yet again a message from above (I will explain in another post) that I am going to start blogging again. And I immediately had a name for my blog too, which is extremely unlike me (also another post for another day) ... Finding Me ... that is exactly what I`ve been trying to do since he left, is to find ME.
I`ve lost myself a long time ago.
When you are in your twenties you think you have life all figured out or you just don`t care long enough as life is exciting and like a butterfly you drift between opportunities and experiences and go where life`s breeze take you. At least that was how it was for me as I thoroughly enjoyed my reckless twenties until I found a harbour after an exceptionally devastating cyclone in my life and my ship sailed willingly right into his "safety".
Being stuck between a rock and a hard place I fought many battles, in my thirties, finding the result of my genes combined with my rare personality and having bigger balls than any man I know unacceptable according to society`s "rules". You are being forced conform in order to fit in. Being socially acceptable, a good team player bla bla bla. They call it approval addiction. I am a master at it.
Within the marriages I have witnessed a woman conforms to whatever makes her family happy. Meals are dictated by what the family likes, they go on vacations that suits the family budget + keeps the kids happy and entertained, you do the things you need to do to keep your marriage happy and that involves a whole lot of self sacrifice. Perfume, clothes, tv programmes, the list is endless. I conformed spectacularly.
Anyhow the promise of emotional freedom should have rolled round when I turned 40 and yet the magical feeling of not giving a @#$% did not magically appear. It took my husband passing away and around 400+ days for me to wholeheartedly surrender, make many confessions to God and unhook the long line of carriage's that nearly dragged my locomotive to a standstill. It was not easy, some of the carriages I wasn`t ready to unhook as retribution was very much part of my future plans. God however had other plans and His message was clear .... let it go, all of it!
Purposely and purposefully I had to embark on a journey of offloading everything dragging me down emotionally. I purposely had to change my ways because I am now the sole provider to two young impressionable ones. I have a massive responsibility to be emotionally strong, raising and providing for two personalities that are still being moulded and looking up to me to be their mirror, compass and safety net. All on my own.
I discovered a few things about myself.
1. Surrendering lifts burdens, Once I unconditionally surrendered and admitted that I had no idea what I am doing nor did I have a plan of fixing any of it did a weight the size of Mount Olympus fall off my shoulders. I am a fixer and a control freak. Nothing freaked me out more than not being in control. So whenever I would go to God for help it would be because I couldn`t fix it myself first and then I always presented at least three possible outcomes or solutions for God to choose from. I`ve never been desperate enough to let go and just be vulnerable. Vulnerability is for losers right? One night I became desperate enough and I said "God, I have no control whatsoever about what is going to happen to my life and if I will be able to provide for my kids. I have no control over how the dice is going to fall for me but I need to believe, now more than ever, that a power much bigger than me is in control and that I must trust 100% in You for providing for me and for my kids".
So I held God to His promise that He will provide for the widows and orphans and He will take the place of my husband to provide, protect and to guide this family. I placed my faith in Him wholeheartedly without a back up plan. I was steadfast in my belief that He is in control.
2. Shear determination. I`ve always been mediocre in being determined. I once grew my hair out from a pixie style and I got my Honours degree with a small baby and a full time exhausting job but that was the sum total of my achievements in the determination category of life. So I had a faint belief that some worthy cause could solicit some form of dedication from me when absolutely necessary. Knowing that I only have my faith and no plan, shear determination to survive and to secure the future of my children and parents was born. Who knew I had it in me?
Yet, I was not miraculously cured from my other vices just because I had some steel implanted in my spine.
Low Self Esteem - another personality trait I resented but could not let go off. My whole life I felt that I was never good enough. I was programmed from a young age to believe that you only get acknowledged when you excel. It was imprinted in every fibre of my being. I was a highly driven individual that believed that no job is good enough if it is not executed with perfection. Anyone that did not hold up to that standard was dismissed as inferior, I was not a very popular person at work. I am better now.
A distorted version of me evolved.
A perfectionist, and a fixer, having no plan, low self esteem and approval addition but had newfound determination and a massive responsibility to being the perfect widow I was confronted with a scenario I had no easy fix for while I knew I had to be strong for my girls. I was mourning the loss of my best friend, my failed marriage and digesting the many lies I subconsciously suspected while I am trying to secure our financial future and our home as quickly as possible simultaneously trying to retain my job, mental health and avoiding that breakdown all widows are expected to have.....
A widow.
A role that I still can not identify myself with. Nobody entertains the thought of being a widow. Nothing about me is anything like a widow nor did I behave like a widow when I became one. Nobody thinks about what it would be like to be a widow and how you would react. On cue, true to myself, I responded like no other widow I knew or how society perceived a widow to be or like the other widows around me that also lost their husbands to Covid. I went into robot fight mode. No breakdown, no public displays of sorrow.
So here we have a very lost, unexpectedly single individual without an identity but a will to succeed at whatever this new life throws at her. I did not embark on this journey of finding myself consciously at first. I did not allow myself anything at first, I threw myself into the wellbeing of my girls, securing our immediate environment physically and financially and ensuring that my girls are left as unharmed as possible by the trauma of their hero`s death. Nothing was too much trouble as long as they were happy and they remained in the life they were accustomed to. No matter if I fall apart inside.
So here is a recap of said individual:
- The weird one - after all there is only 2% of the world`s female population with similar personality traits.
- The outspoken one, holding everyone, especially myself to the highest standards.
- The one that without fail see the picture differently than anyone else.
- The one that can instinctively spot a shitshow a mile away, warn against the curtain lifting on said show and then happily recapping afterwards with "I told you so". Also boldly refusing partake in the show.
- The unpopular one - yet she wants to be head girl so badly #approval addiction.
- The difficult to manage one - for someone with approval addiction you would think that I would do what I am told. Let it never be said that I ever took the easy way out.
- The one that questions everything, analyses everything and find creative, out of the box solutions based on my intuition. #losecannon
- The one that wants to know more about things that are socially frowned upon, have cultivated and smoked her own weed in lock down and explored her star chart and energy fields.
- A conspiracy theorist
- The one that wants an Olympic medal in life but can not find the "item" that will place her on the podium.
- The one that can be super driven, competitive and determined in some areas and completely nonchalant in others
- The one with the tiny heart and soul of a little girl just looking to be loved unconditionally without any expectations.
Hence the journey of finding ME...
I have come to realise that I have an rare opportunity to reinvent myself, pick the best of what I currently ;ike about myself and adopt new skills, self awareness and behaviours that will take me to where I want to be. I received a second chance at life and I am determined to become the best version of me.
Aneli 2.0
Watch this space!
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